We often talk about the pain of losing your lover and the grief you feel towards your parents. However, we don’t often talk about the heartbreak that we feel with friends.
These past few days, I am having a hard time to organize my thoughts and perfectly choose the words to describe it. Whenever I feel like it, I would isolate myself to people. Despite of being the ‘ghoster’ friend, I will still show up normal or pretending I already feel stable. For short, I never needed most of my friends in order to feel better. I am the only one who can make me feel so.
There was a day recently that has completely changed my treatment towards people. That situation made me feel like an open wound being constantly poured by salt. I feel like a stranger around the friends I used to cherish the most. I understand that we will really change by the time has pass. They have changed. They had another version of themselves that I am unfamiliar with. The version of themselves in their life that I do not belong at that phase they’re in. I would constantly try to talk with them like how close we were. Although they still had small conversations with me, I felt so much that I am unwanted there. Paralanguage.
It felt like my would’ve, could’ve, should’ves were floating around the place. I already feel like I was about to tear up watching my close friends from different circles laughing with each other without me, after leaving the spot where I approached and got near them. I needed them. But they made me feel unseen.
Often times, people got used to me of being the therapist friend. They often compliment how I am good with choosing the right words in order to make them realize something. They never know that I only chose the words based from my experiences. I experienced those beforehand. But I had no one. I always convince myself it was fine. Trix, you’re fine.
Maybe, because they’re also not used to me being depressive or whiny. But if the ghosts in my room were to ask if I am, they will unhesitatingly nod and agree. I am used to having the “I-am-okay-are-you-okay?” facade. It was unhealthy. I will share my energy without having second thoughts.
Most of the time, I feel alone. Some of my friends would say they were willing to lean an ear, but I never felt they’re saying that for certain. However, I also feel like I shouldn’t be demanding on thinking they will instantly beep me up whenever I am down. They’re not psychics. But I do try being one whenever it comes to them. Does the “if they wanted to, they would” applies to friendships? If it does, I might be friendless. But I do think some of them will remain. Those people whose words match with behaviors. Paralanguage.
